Happy Birthday to Me!

I turned 24 years old two days ago but I didn’t feel like celebrating this year. Which is a pretty big deal actually, I’m usually very excited about my birthday. I start thinking about what I’m going to do weeks before. Last year I planned a dinner with some of my closest friends, some great people I had the chance to work with for a while and a few casual acquaintances. We went to my favorite restaurant, indulged in some delicious food and side conversations, and caught up with old friends and then part ways at the end of the night.

As I mused over what I should do for my birthday this year, who I should invite and where we shall dine I came to a sudden realization. I realized nothing really changes year after year…except for the faces across the table. After that I asked myself what the point was and promptly decided I didn’t want to do anything this year.

I think back to the guest list from last year…my 23^rd birthday dinner was the last time I saw some of those people, there are others that have moved on and that I have lost touch with, and there are close friends that have moved away and it just wouldn’t feel right without them.

On the bright side, I haven’t only lost people in my life as I transition into my 24^th year. I have managed to meet some great people in the last year, create some unbreakable bonds that I know will be with me for the rest of my life and also reconnect with old friends.

Between deciding to and not to celebrate my birthday I realized when it was over that I actually did. I surround myself with positive energy and people that chose to be apart of my life everyday, and make it special. I didn’t have to go out for a fancy dinner at my favourite restaurant, get dressed up and hassle people to RSVP by a certain date so I could make dinner reservations. I have an amazing husband that called and wished me at 12 sharp, twice – how awesome is that? He celebrated my birthday from across the world, bought and cut cake for me and was the first to wish me without fail. A family that called and sung happy birthday to me! My brother who managed to find me the most amazing cake – Cookies and Cream (yes this is why he’s amazing)! My friends who went out of their way to plan my birthday regardless of anything that I said or how many times I said I didn’t want to. And last but not least my second family that celebrated my birthday like it was theirs. The day was full of pleasant surprises.

I received a lot pleasant birthday wishes, and phone calls that put a smile on my face. While there were a few calls that I waited for, that did not come…I realized at the end of the day that I had a fabulous day. From the 12 am phone call from my husband to the birthday messages to the cake and the surprise at the dinner table down the very last minute I celebrated my birthday without even realizing it.

With that my friends, I realized that I celebrate every day of every month of every year…because these are the people and the positive energy that I surround myself with! There are good days and bad days, but it’s not entirely such a bad thing that the faces across the table have changed…its life.

The only thing I ask is to be able to spend it with family and friends next year…and for the faces across the table to become constant as the years go on!

Cheers to better times!

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”
― Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

Memory Lane: Echoes of the Past

I think there is a time of the day when I am more prone to sadness than other times. 3:00 am. This is probably that time. When I’m too tired to think straight, not exhausted enough to hit the pillow and immediately fall asleep in the warmth of my bed, and yet still alert enough to fall into the arms of sadness and let misery entertain me. It’s that time again, when I’m too weary to battle my thoughts and I’m passive enough to be overwhelmed by it.

All the memories come flooding in. There are familiar faces, and strangers too, friends – people that are now acquaintances or a mere fragment of the past – the parts of the puzzle that are irrelevant to the picture but still complete the puzzle. There’s love, and broken hearts, there’s echoes of words that pierced through me, and there’s heartache.

I know what this is.

This is Memory Lane.

And it’s 3 am.

[ “Wings won’t take me
Heights don’t faze me
So take a step
But don’t look down
Take a step

Now I’m standing on the rooftop, ready to fall
I’m think I’m at the edge now but I could be wrong
I’m standing on a rooftop ready to fall” 

–  Rise Against – Ready to Fall  ]

It’s that time again…when sadness comes out to play games with my mind, and it consumes me too.

I see how this works. You get me when I’m most vulnerable. You get me when my guard is down. You wait…you wait until I’m too tired too fight back.

I’m tired. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.
So I don’t want to do this anymore.
I don’t want to play games.
I don’t want to hit rock bottom every night,
and work my way up again.

Someone once said, “If you’re tired of starting over, stop giving up.”
Whoever someone is, was right.

It’s amusing too. You know, like how the mind works. It’s a very powerful thing. It wanders to places you subconsciously think about. But the best thing about the mind being such a powerful thing is that, you can condition it. You can condition your mind to look for the bright side, to be optimistic, to be happy even.

And the thing about memory lane is that if you go far down enough you see other things too. You see family, you see friends, you see laughter and promises, you see the hope for a better tomorrow, and you see potential in the eyes of the person you once were.

And somehow you know…you’ll be okay.

You look at the time and you realize…

It is no longer 3 am. 

 

Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.
–   Martin Luther 

A guy that I used to know.

A guy that I used to know.

There was a guy that I used to know…I had a massive crush on him for years. We were best friends – or so I thought at least – but best friends don’t manipulate, use you, come to you in times of need, consider you a back-up plan and an ego-boost.

It hurts when someone means so much to you, but all you are to them is an option – and eventually just another face in the crowd.

I was always his go-to girl: he’d come to me when he needed help in school, when there was an assignment that he didn’t want to do, when he needed someone to boost his confidence and ego, when he needed to make his girlfriends jealous. Supposedly we were best friends, but we’d talk to one another the most when he was single. His girlfriends always hated me because he always told them he used to like him and that I still do. To them I was always a threat: the other girl. He got a kick out of using me to make his girlfriends jealous, he though jealousy exists where love does and that their jealousy was proof of their love for him. Pretty sickening, I know.

I was probably the reason he even passed high school – must I elaborate?

He said he never wanted to date me because relationships always come to an end, but one day we would get married. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t believe him sometimes…and then reality set in. When you love and trust someone you give them the benefit of the doubt even when they don’t deserve it. When your mind starts to send you warning signs you ignore them and convince yourself and when you’re not convinced and have every reason to stay, there is always that one reason that keeps you from letting go.

I was naive. I let his lies govern me. At one point in my life I started comparing myself to his girlfriends, deliberating why it was them and not me. In hindsight, I turned out to be the lucky one.

His dad always told him, “never put all your eggs in the same basket”, and to him that meant having multiple girlfriends of course – what a pitiable perspective.

He’s just a fragment of the past now…and people like that don’t deserve to make it to your future. I like to think it’s his loss though. I always told him he’d regret losing me.

I lost faith in relationships for a long time…it’s sad you always meet the good guy last, when you’re all torn up and broken. Maybe it’s because they have the ability to fix us and give us hope again…I’m well into my life my now, and happily married.

I did learn from the past, regardless of how painful it has been. You should never let anyone make you feel less than what you are. We all deserve nothing but the best and none of us should be an option or number two to anyone.

I learnt I’d rather be just another face in the crowd then be anything than number one, the one to someone.

Satisfaction.

“Life loses its dynamism from the moment we lose the passion with which to live it. “

What does one need to live and to be happy?

Money? Family? Luxury? Friends? I’m not talking about the basic necessities that one needs in order to live and lead a healthy life. I think ultimately what we need in order to lead a happy life is satisfaction with one’s life. At the end of the day if you can justify your actions and being to yourself in a way that it satisfies you then that’s all you really need…everything else just ties in with that.

You can have the money, family and friends that love and support you and that you love and support too, tangible goods and other luxuries…but what good is any of that if at the end of the day you’re sad anyways. I know I have all this, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t need it. I’m not materialistic, but I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t need money…much of everything we do and need revolves around it – it buys me things I need AND make me happy. I have a few good friends, and a family that loves me too.

What’s missing?

I’m happy; I am…most of the time, at least.

Okay…I’m lying. I’m not, I’m happy sometimes…and the rest of the time I’m just really not. I’m not happy with the quality of my life, and I’m beginning to think my existence is a waste of space and oxygen really. I’m having a very hard time justifying my life these days. That’s why I say what we really need is satisfaction with one’s life…because I know there are so many girls that would die to be in my place, and would be ecstatic leading the life that I am because they’ve been raised that way.

You get married, you dedicated the rest of your life and existence to making your husband happy and being a typical housewife and eventually a super-mom….and that’s it.

See there’s nothing wrong with that if doing all of that makes you happy…it’s just that I’ve always wanted more from life, this part of my life was supposed to come after and I feel like I skipped a whole lot in the middle. I don’t mind doing all that, I really don’t its why I got married in the first place…I’d love to make him happy and be super-mom some day, heck I love kids, I want four one day. The problem is that I’m not happy doing JUST this, there needs to be more.

I don’t want to define myself as someone’s wife, or mom, or so and so…that’s it right there.  There was a purpose, and there was a plan, and a morning drill and my day revolved around ME and what I wanted to do.

(Seeing as this rant could go on forever…let me try to sum it up)

BASICALLY…where I was going with this is that I need to come back, go back to school and do something with my life. NOT because we need all that to make US happy, but because I need to do all that to make myself happy – happiness varies from person to person, and how we’ve been conditioned and our outlook.

Self-actualization and inner satisfaction: much needed at any stage in your life!

Lessons Learnt.

There was a time in my life when I was: careless, bubbly, happy-go-lucky and full of life. There is nothing wrong with that, but wait there’s more. I thought nothing could bring me down, that everything was fun and games. I was so naive. I thought I was invincible.

I hadn’t been acquainted with real life.

That was a long time ago and things are different now. Over the course of my life a lot has changed and so have I, and drastically too. I’ve learnt a lot in life, but sometimes I wish I could have learnt it differently. I wish my path had not been paved with lies, hurt, deceit, pain, manipulation and heartbreak. In hindsight, maybe the way it all played out is how it had to. Sometimes we must hurt, break, and fall in order to rise, learn and become better and stronger. I’ve had my fair share of breakdowns over the past few years. I’ve gotten hurt, lied and been lied to, and cried till I could no longer. I’ve fallen and broken down. It’s just never prevented me from getting up on my feet and rising again, even when I’ll admit I didn’t want to. I didn’t know it then, but I learnt a valuable lesson every time.

Love hurts, life’s strange, nothing lasts and people change.

High school: popularity skid. There is no better way to put it. I started off with so many friends it was unbelievable, that number decreased substantially. People came, and people went. I learnt people change…it used to get to me, I thought there was nothing worse than walking into a class full of familiar faces and realizing how many of them were your friends, and how many of them you were so close to and then have reality lurk in and say now they’re no one, not even acquaintances.

I started high school with plenty of friends too many. Over the last four years that number has decreased substantially. As the days progressed, we drifted, moved on, changed and grew apart. I’ve learnt people change. When I look back sometimes, it all really gets to me. There’s nothing worst then walking into a class full of familiar faces and realizing you talked to most of these people, half of them were people you called your friends, a handful of them were very close to you and have reality lurk in and say now they’re no one, not even acquaintance. I used to think there was nothing worse than that feeling but I learned soon that there is.

[The thing is, that doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. That’s life, I now believe that everyone serves a purpose in your life and you in theirs, and when that purpose has been fulfilled we move on. Some people are meant to be there for a short while, some are meant to be acquaintances while others are meant to be lifelong friends…and you can only have a couple. I walked away with my share, and that’s all that matters right now. It seemed a lot worse than it actually was back then of course.]

I’ve learnt that no matter what you do and how far you are willing to go for someone, you cannot make someone care for you, be there for you like you are for them or love you. I know…because I’ve tried. I have given my all, loved unconditionally – in hope that even half the amount of will be reciprocated – it never was, of course. I’ve learnt love hurts. Not everyone you like will like you back, not everyone will return the love either. I’ve learnt to come to terms with that. It wasn’t always easy though, not as easy as it sounds at all. It was always a war…to love, and not be loved. It’s a constant emotional battle.

I’ve always been there for people through thick and thin, in good times and in bad. I did my best to make things better and help in any way that I could. I’ve learnt you can only be the very best that you can be because you are all you can account for. I’ve given my best, my all. Believe me when I say that because there actually was a time in my life when I was so emotionally bankrupt that I had nothing left to give, nothing left to offer – because I gave, gave, and gave some more and never got back. I’ve learnt its okay to feel like that, because you must first heal yourself before you can heal others and it’s important to feel good about yourself before you can help others feel better.

I’ve learnt to heal, to feel, accept my feelings, and feel better about myself.

I’ve given too much credit. I let people lie to me, hurt me and get the best of me. I let things slide and made exceptions. I’ve been lied to simultaneously, sometimes by the same person but I gave them the benefit of the doubt for the sake of our friendship. But when it all came down to it, and I needed the same consideration I learnt sometimes what you do for people they won’t do for you.

Good times, bad times, friendships, relationships, clicks, groups, life– I learnt nothing lasts.

I’ve made mistakes. I’m not perfect. I’ve done things I wish I could take back. I know if I could go back and do it over, I’d do it all differently but I know that’s wishful thinking and the past cannot be reversed.

I have learnt with time and great difficulty, to forgive myself.

I have learnt:

• People change and that it is inevitable
• Love hurts and sometimes you’ll question it
• Sometimes you will go unnoticed and unappreciated
• Not everyone you like will like you back
• Sometimes you must forgive and forget for your own sake
• It’s important to forgive yourself
• Sometimes moving on is in the best interest of you and those around you
• Some risks are worth taking
• It is important to rise when you fall
• Life will knock you down more than once, you must get up
• People will lie and betray you, you must learn to put your trust in yourself
• Your trust will be broken many times, be careful who you trust
• You have the ability to make or break yourself
• Some people are selfish and materialistic
• Sometimes people will put conditions on love, forever and unconditional
• To apologize when necessary
• To not hold grudges because they bring out the worst in me
• To give second chances
• You’ll get your heart broken and sometimes you’ll break someone’s heart
• It’s okay to try and fail, just keep trying
• You must heal, before you can help others
• Sometimes the truth will hurt
• Lying to protect someone doesn’t make it legit
• You’re not obligated
• You don’t owe anyone anything
• The life you’re living could be taken away from you at any moment
• To put my faith in god not humans
• We make mistakes, we’re only human
• Life’s not fair
• We all make our own choices and decisions
• To not judge
• You must walk a mile in someone’s shoes before you have the right to judge them and see where they’re coming from
• Behind every face, there’s a story waiting to be told
• There are always two sides to a story
• Karma’s a bitch, what goes around comes back around
• To not take life for granted
• Family is important
• People will disappoint me and I’ll disappoint them
• No matter what, life goes on
• Sometimes you and anything you do is never good enough for someone
• People will always want more
• Life’s strange
• Money can only buy you so much
• The path less traveled is usually the right path
• Sometimes people look right past you and through you
• Sometimes you’ll be held liable for something you didn’t do, judged, and blamed even when you’re innocent
• People can only hurt and betray you until you let them

I’ve also learnt there will always be someone that will stick by your side through thick and thin, come to your rescue and accept you for who you are. There will be someone that will love you unconditionally and look past your flaws. I’ve learnt family is always going to be there. I’ve learnt there are things that should be given elevated importance and to be more selfless. I’ve learnt sometimes it’s life and death and now or never.

I don’t think I would have been who I am today had it not been for these experiences. I am who I am today because of what I’ve been through, seen, and felt. All of it has helped mould me. I’m far from perfect, I have my flaws, my strengths, my weaknesses – but this me, and I’ve learnt to be proud of it.

I’ve learnt to move on and make the best of what I’ve got.

I’ve learnt it’s never too late for change.

I’ve learnt life’s too short for regrets.

I’ve learnt I’ll continue to learn until I take my last breath and with that I’ll continue to change.

I’ve learnt change is inevitable.

I’ve learnt no matter how much I change, I’ll still have a set of beliefs, morals, and opinions that define me – things no one could take away.

I’ve learnt, I’m learning

 

[Throwback: Dec/11/11]