You could hate someone for not coming through for you, or for letting you down, or for not standing by you when you needed them the most…but you cant hate how they made you feel.
When the anger fades I remember how good it felt to melt in his arms at the end of the night, not how many times we fought or the amount of times he let me down. When the anger wares off I remember how many times he made my heart skip a beat, not the all times he didn’t call or made me cry. In the silence of the night, during the walk home, or before my head hits the pillow…its still him that I remember, not anyone else.
Everything else I have to remember, but I haven’t forgotten.
When he says I love you, I remember all the times he didn’t say it back when I did. I remember how many times I swallowed my pride and ego and said it anyways, and I remember how indifferently he’d say, “okay.”
When he says he can’t live without me, I remember all the times he was about to walk away before he stayed. I remember the time he told me to leave, and justified why he couldn’t follow.
When he says he’ll always be there for me, I remember all the times that he wasn’t. And it hurts just like the first time.
When he says I come first, I remember all the time he chose them. How many times he let someone else come in between us, and how many times he denied doing so.
But when he says it…I still believe him. Because somewhere deep down at the core of my heart, I know it’s true. I also know, it doesn’t translate into actions the way that I want it to. I learnt a long time ago that you cant force someone to love and care for you the way you want them to. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love you; it just means they don’t love and care the way you want them to.
That’s okay, all depending on how much you can live with and I decided I couldn’t live with it anymore.
But I know after it’s all said and done, if there’s anything that’s true. It’s that. I may have stopped believing a lot of things that he says, he may have lost his credibility, and somewhere along the way I may have even stopped blindly trusting him like I used to. I never for a second though, stopped believing that he loves me. If there’s anything that I still believe, it’s that.
I decided it wasn’t enough though…I decided I couldn’t live on love alone, not with broken promises, and the lost time, and the damaged trust and the lies. At one point in the last couple of months, I decided I had enough. At no point in time, I ever thought love is enough for a relationship to work. It takes more than just love to make anything work, but love definitely helps. The dynamics of a working relationship takes a lot of understanding, trust, mutual respect, compassion and patience – and so much more.
The love is not lost, the communication is. Has the loved died? No, but somewhere along the way I decided I didn’t want to rekindle it anymore, that I didn’t want to remember anymore, that I didn’t want to wait.
But I keep forgetting to hate him, because the truth is…that I don’t at all. I just refuse to love any further.
I choose to walk away instead.