I keep forgetting to hate you.

You could hate someone for not coming through for you, or for letting you down, or for not standing by you when you needed them the most…but you cant hate how they made you feel.

When the anger fades I remember how good it felt to melt in his arms at the end of the night, not how many times we fought or the amount of times he let me down. When the anger wares off I remember how many times he made my heart skip a beat, not the all times he didn’t call or made me cry. In the silence of the night, during the walk home, or before my head hits the pillow…its still him that I remember, not anyone else.

Everything else I have to remember, but I haven’t forgotten.

When he says I love you, I remember all the times he didn’t say it back when I did. I remember how many times I swallowed my pride and ego and said it anyways, and I remember how indifferently he’d say, “okay.”

When he says he can’t live without me, I remember all the times he was about to walk away before he stayed. I remember the time he told me to leave, and justified why he couldn’t follow.

When he says he’ll always be there for me, I remember all the times that he wasn’t. And it hurts just like the first time.

When he says I come first, I remember all the time he chose them. How many times he let someone else come in between us, and how many times he denied doing so.

But when he says it…I still believe him. Because somewhere deep down at the core of my heart, I know it’s true. I also know, it doesn’t translate into actions the way that I want it to. I learnt a long time ago that you cant force someone to love and care for you the way you want them to. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love you; it just means they don’t love and care the way you want them to.

That’s okay, all depending on how much you can live with and I decided I couldn’t live with it anymore.

But I know after it’s all said and done, if there’s anything that’s true. It’s that. I may have stopped believing a lot of things that he says, he may have lost his credibility, and somewhere along the way I may have even stopped blindly trusting him like I used to. I never for a second though, stopped believing that he loves me. If there’s anything that I still believe, it’s that.

I decided it wasn’t enough though…I decided I couldn’t live on love alone, not with broken promises, and the lost time, and the damaged trust and the lies. At one point in the last couple of months, I decided I had enough. At no point in time, I ever thought love is enough for a relationship to work. It takes more than just love to make anything work, but love definitely helps. The dynamics of a working relationship takes a lot of understanding, trust, mutual respect, compassion and patience – and so much more.

The love is not lost, the communication is. Has the loved died? No, but somewhere along the way I decided I didn’t want to rekindle it anymore, that I didn’t want to remember anymore, that I didn’t want to wait.

But I keep forgetting to hate him, because the truth is…that I don’t at all. I just refuse to love any further.

I choose to walk away instead.

walking_away_by_rah_xephon-d3e724f

Advertisements

Are you happy?

Are you happy? There really isn’t a clear-cut or correct way to answer this question. People always expect you to say, “yes!” or “no!” but it really isn’t that simple – I’m sure we’d all agree. The answer isn’t always so black and white…there’s always room for some contemplation.

I think the key is to remember tomorrow is a new day, and there’s always room for improvement. We need to constantly remind ourselves that it isn’t over yet. I know I need to stop and remind myself that sometimes. One thing goes wrong in my life and I immediately beat myself up about it. It seems like it’s the end of the world, like everything is falling apart – and as dramatic as it sounds – that my life is over. Ever feel like that? I know I do all the time. I’m not going to say it’s not okay to feel like that, because it is okay. Our emotions, and how we deal with our emotions is all a part of what makes us who we are. It’s okay to feel like everything around you is coming crashing down around you, to feel helpless and cry your heart out…it actually helps sometimes, you know! Just remember to pick yourself up after you fall. Remember when you’ve hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. Sometimes you need a clean slate.

As for happiness? We must not think of happiness in terms of a destination, rather a journey. There will be times that you’ll be happy and times that you will not be. It’s all part of the journey. There will be things that make you happy, things that make you upset, and things that make you and things that break you. Brace yourself….it’s the roller coaster of life! You’ll laugh, and you’ll cry but not for a second will it not be worth it all the end because these experiences and these little moments are what define us. It’s what makes us who we are. And who would really appreciate the good without the bad right? They say good things come to those who wait….maybe they’re right, and if you need to hold on to that to believe and hold on just a little longer than that is what you must do – I know I do.

Happiness is not a destination, happiness is the journey…it is now, it was yesterday and it shall be tomorrow! Things, circumstances, people and experiences may have the power to make us happy for a short while but we must not let them take our happiness away. We should be happy regardless.

So the next time someone asks you if you’re happy or not…say, “Yes, why of course I am!” I try and be grateful for the things that I do have in my life. It’s not always easy to concentrate on the things that I do have than the things that I don’t have…but I’m trying, and it’s a start. I can’t help but think if all happiness is a state of mind. So I tell myself I’m happy all the time, but there may be things that make me unhappy.

So let me ask you then….are you happy?

Use-Your-Smile

Could it last forever?

“They say a successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person” – many of us would agree. I had ended my previous post with this quote, and it only seemed fit that I begin this one with the same quote. Lately I have been thinking a lot about life, marriage and relationships in general…can you tell? This quote basically suggests that one can fall in and out love with their significant other. It’s troublesome though isn’t it, and admitting it is never easy. It almost makes you feel like you’re cheating in the worst way possible – emotionally.

Relationships aren’t easy and marriage is harder. It is far more permanent than a relationship that you can conveniently walk away from. There’s a sense of permanence and solidity to it, which gives you a sense of security at times but could also make you feel like you’re stuck. Like with everything else in life, relationships also come with their fair share of ups and downs. When things are smooth, be grateful, enjoy them and never take them for granted. And when they’re not just accept it, because acceptance is always the first step. What I’ve learnt with time is that denial and ignoring the problem never gets you too far. Pretending that the problem does not exist does not make it go away. It just paves the way for bigger problems because small things add up. It is always better to solve your issues as they arise, than to foster them and let them take root.

Accepting that we have problems is not what bothers me though. What bothers me is the question deeply embedded at the core of my heart that asks, “what if one day you fall out of love, and you never fall back?”

When I find it difficult to love, I care. When love fades; care, compassion and friendship remains…and it makes us survive moments of weakness until we find our way back to each other. And I value that…because when it’s difficult to love, there are still something that binds us, and for that moment it’s enough. But what if you never fall back in love and feel that spark again? Will what binds you be enough to last forever….

It is not the problems that scare me… it is the question in my head that asks me, “what if we never find our way back to each other in the absence of love.”

Is care, compassion and friendship enough…could it last forever, if love does not?

SONY DSC

The Truth About Marriage!

6 months ago I wrote a post about how indecisive I was about a decision I had made 2 years ago that day….and I haven’t written since because I’ve been on the roller coaster ride of my life since – literally.

Off the top of my head I could think of several times when I’ve wanted to, but due to a series of events unfortunately I have not been able to write as much as I would like to.

But it’s never too late, right?

I think I’m in a better state of mind to explain exactly what I had meant by that post 6 months.

March 2nd 2012. That was the day I had committed myself whole heartedly to another person. The day I had decided to share my life with someone. To integrate our futures, our dreams, and our goals. To stand firmly next to one another – come what may.

I got married. 

It wasn’t supposed to be the day I sold my soul, buried my dreams and forget where I was headed. It most certainly was not supposed to be the day I died as an individual.

That’s exactly how it started to feel though.

That’s when you know something is seriously wrong, because that’s now how you should feel about a marriage or any relationship for that matter. Actually, I’m wrong. What I’m trying to say is that you could feel whatever you want, but that’s not what you should be feeling.

So I’m going tell you something no one wants to tell you about their marriage because they’re too afraid to admit it. I know this….because I was too. No one wants to admit how unhappy they are sometimes because we all feel like we shouldn’t be. It destroys our fairytale perception of what we think marriage and relationships should be. The thing about emotions is that they’re fleeting. We’re never ashamed to admit how happy we are, so why should it be any different about times we’re not so happy? Probably because it’s never easy to admit…and to admit would be to deviate from the norm. To admit we feel broken inside, that it hurts so bad it we can’t breathe and we just want to fall to our knees and cry till we can’t any more makes us appear weak. Above all…to admit we’re hurting, is to admit we have a problem – and to admit it, to say it out loud, to utter the words makes it all that much real. So we mask our problems, and we mask the hurt, we put on a smile and we deceive ourselves as much as we deceive all those around us. We delude ourselves into thinking we’re okay, and we almost believe it too.

Sometimes when we’re in a relationship it becomes increasingly harder to hold on to the person we were before we became the person we are when we’re with our partner. We get so caught up trying to adjust to all the changes, to make the other person feel comfortable, to live up to the standards and expectations we lose ourselves piece by piece until we become resentful about it. Until we realize it was never really supposed to be this way, was it?

Never get so caught up in accommodating the needs of another person that you forget about your needs. 

When you realize there’s something wrong you have two options: to one, to ignore it and let it continue or to do something about it. So I did something about it. And I have to say it wasn’t easy…because in the last 6 months, my marriage has gone through countless times when we were both ready to throw in the towel. The course of my life could have taken a drastic turn, and I might have been writing about how, “I used to be married once..” right now. Is that any reason to not face your problems though? Certainly not.

I’ll skip the appalling details and just tell you this….we survived. But I learnt a lot this summer. I learnt about heartache, and what it takes to break a man piece by piece. I learnt what it means to break and what it means to rise again. And among other things I learnt about second chances…

Six months later am I sure about my life? Absolutely not. I’m still indecisive at times…but you know what else I learnt? I learnt that that’s okay. I don’t have to know everything…and there’s no such thing as certainty. Sometime’s you’ve gotta let life take it’s course.

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times. Always with the same person.”  –  Unknown

sacrament-of-marriage

2 Years Ago.

2 years ago today I made an important decision about my life…and that decision was either the best decision I have ever made, or the biggest mistake of my life. It turns out I’m still on the fence about it.

They say what messes us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.

They’re right.

In our minds nothing ever goes wrong. It is in our nature to carefully plan out and foresee a picture-perfect future for ourselves. We fail to envision all the detours and bumps along the road. We have a vision, we have a dream, we have a plan – and it’s perfect.

to be continued…