“You’ll understand when you have your own kids!”

Remember all the times your mom said that? I do, and I remember thinking, “No, I’m not going to be a crazy, smothering, overprotective mother.” Well…I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’m a crazy, smothering, overprotective mother.

One of my greatest fears when I was pregnant was dying. Not for myself, but for the life I was about to bring into the world. I was afraid of not being able to see him, listen to him laugh, watch him grow, take his first steps and be there for him. That broke my heart, and it was precisely in those moments I realized I have never wanted to be more alive than I did then. 

I was afraid of leaving my baby without a mom. I mean, who could better care for him than I can? Who would raise him, and tend to his needs, and spoil him? I wondered if the  man I loved enough to have had this baby with would raise him the way I would have wanted. Would he stop and think about what I would have done, or wanted when making important life decisions concerning our child? I wondered if he would consider my desires, or would he leverage the needs of the living over the dead. My mind wandered…and briefly, I let it.

Having a baby is like having a piece of your heart walk out of your body. It’s when your heart starts to beat outside of you. It’s an unspeakable vulnerability.

It is also strength, persistence and unimaginable, unconditional love.

I didn’t think it was possible to love another soul so deeply, until I became a mother.



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